How Well Did You Know Your Spouse/Partner?
Before you got married how well did
you know your partner? The divorce rate in the US is over 50%. Is this do to not
knowing your spouse prior to getting married? In a lot of cases I would say yes.
I would venture to say it is the day to day things that someone does that
causes irritation that then builds up to be a real problem.
I assume each couple would fully
understand how the other felt on major items like politics, religion, children
and most important lifestyle. By lifestyle I mean if one wants the lead of
vagabond life and the other staying in one place that will probably be a big
issue. Children are also a very big issue. Not just if you’re going to have
them but also the number. Too many relationships that are having challenges think
that having children would help solve them. This is so far from the case and
leads to more challenges and impacts the children more than the parents.
I am writing this from my experience.
I met my first wife in April 1980 at the wedding of her brother who was a Navy
friend of mine. Our first date was in late May. We then had two or three other
dates until late July. We then met once again in December. I then went on a Navy
deployment. We traded a few letters during that time but there was no
commitment to each other. We next met in late September 1981. We lived in
separate cities about three hours apart. We became close and had four or five
weekends together and then got engaged in early December. We saw each other
every other weekend until March when I moved to Florida. Our wedding was
planned for late July 1982. We saw each other for a long weekend in April and
the long weekend in May. The next time was two days before the wedding. She
moved in with me in Florida about two weeks after the wedding. As you can see
we spent very little time actually together from first meeting until marriage.
We never really talked about a lot of
topics like religion and politics. However, we went for a walk on the beach the
night of her brother’s wedding when we first met. I told her that when my Navy
time was over I was going to move to Australia and that I did not want to have
children. She understood those two issues. After we married she thought my
position would change or that she would help me change. The child issue did
turnout to cause challenges. She really wanted to have children. But she also
knew that I told her at the very start before we even dated that I did not want
children.
As fate would have it, after 5 years
of marriage we had a “birth control malfunction” and pregnancy ensued. My wife
made it abundantly clear that we were keeping this child. Today I have an
absolutely outstanding daughter who I love dearly. Even though I did not want
children I tried to be the best father that I could.
The Australia issue came into the
picture when I decided to leave the Navy. Even though my wife new this is what
I always wanted to do, she said I am more than welcome to move to Australia,
but she and our daughter we’re staying. That one hurt because she knew this
from the very start.
We eventually divorced, however it
was after 25 years of marriage. Each has
since remarried.
I often wonder if we would’ve got
married if we had lived together beforehand? Our challenge was we did not live in
the same place and one of us would’ve had to make a major leap of faith to do
that and neither one either couldn’t or wouldn’t.
I tell my daughter she should live
with someone for 6 months before fully committing to marriage, especially if it
is a long-distance relationship. Hopefully she will not experience some of the
same challenges I did.
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