How Has Being A Parent Changed Me?
In the previous blog post I stated how I told my family when
I was young I told my family I was never going to get married. That also meant I did not intend to have
children. Even after I did get married I
had no intention of having children. I
don’t know why I had that feeling. It was just something I always carried with
me. It was not a question about my capability as a parent, but the demands and
requirements that come with parenthood. I guess I looked at it as taking away
something from me like Independence or freedom to do what I want to do. I did
not look at it have having the positive impact on my life. That was a very
selfish way of looking at it but it was the way I thought.
In late 1987 my wife and I found out she was pregnant. This
was a very significant event. Do I stand my ground and not have this child? My
wife, desperately wanted children, said she was having this child whether I
wanted it or not. Something in me said just go with it and have this child. I
excepted it and we prepared for parenthood. I supported most of the pregnancy
activities except I just couldn’t make it through the Lamaze process. There was
just something about it that I couldn’t be serious about while was there. So, my
wife had her best friend be my substitute. I was in the navy at the time and
attached two squadron that was on workups which are times at sea in preparation
for a long deployment. Our child was expected in the mid-September timeframe of
1988, we did not know if it was a boy or girl. On 27 August, my wife drove me
to the squadron as I was flying out to the ship that day for an eight week
period at sea. We had known that I was not going to be there for the birth. In
the Navy, your life in the squadron and on the ship is a priority over even
parenthood. It was just an accepted part of the job that you were going to miss
major events in your children’s lives. So, on this Saturday 27 August right
around noon I am dropped off at the squadron. I knew when I returned from that
at sea period, our lives as we knew it were forever going to change. The next
day Sunday 28 August 1988 I received a message that my daughter Ariel was born.
This came as quite a surprise as I was not expecting this message for at least
a couple of weeks. I could not believe that a mere 24 hours after seeing my
wife our child was born.
I did not get home until early October. I was able to fly
home two weeks before the ship returned. I was met at Norfolk airport by my
wife and our daughter. When I first saw Ariel it started a love affair I have
to this day. I participated in all the parent activities those first weeks. I
was scheduled to deploy for over six months in late December. However, my
squadron commanding officer told me in mid-November that I would not be making
the deployment. We had to trim some staff and I was chosen not to go because it
would have been my third extended deployment in four years. Professionally I
wasn’t happy. I wanted to go on the deployment. But I knew it was much better
that I would be able to get a job that did not require me to go on a ship for
at least couple of years.
I was sent to a Navy
research and development base at China Lake California which is in the middle
of the Mohave Desert. This was a great place for me as the flying is
incredible. It’s not the best place for wives as the nearest mall was 90 miles
away. Also, I traveled a lot back to Washington DC and saw my wife’s family a
lot more than she did. This was a challenging time for her with the newborn
child. I got to be part of my daughters first two years. When I was not
traveling we settled into a routine. Being there to see Ariel progress from
laying to crawling to walking and then talking was special. It reinforced the
responsibility I had to her. I am very good with children who are newborn until
about age 2. I enjoy that age. From age 2 until about 13 I am not as excited
about parenthood. After the age of 13 I again really enjoyed that time of parenthood.
This works well as my wife greatly enjoyed all the time. I missed a significant
portion of the “terrible twos” as I had a long deployment on a Navy ship. I
have a lot of respect for wives of military members who have to handle all the
challenges of children while their husbands are deployed. This also goes for
any single mother out there. When I was on the ship I did not have to deal with
the day to day today issues that happen with children.
Parenthood made me a
much better person in many ways. Yes, there were days when I thought about my
life prior parenthood. However, those were very few and the joy that Ariel
brought to me made everything else insignificant. I had to learn to be patient
with her as she learned new activities. I had to let her “fail” so she could
learn resilience. I had to give her space so she could learn to make her own
choices. I drilled into her that there were consequences for one’s choices in
actions. If there was one thing I hope she took from me it was that. She had
the freedom to make choices but she also understood that if that choice was not
a good one she had to except what came from it. Though I allowed her plenty of
leeway she never abused it.
I think what was most
important was as her parents we did not try to be her best friend. We were her
parents first and foremost. We gave her unconditional love but she also knew we
would be disciplinarians if that was required.
I can’t say that my
style of parenting would work with every child.
I cannot think of a situation where Ariel challenged me as a parent. I
was very fortunate in this. I know there are very good parents who have
children who turn out to be extremely challenging. I also know there are great
kids who have a less than ideal parents. I think there is an element of luck in
this. You do your best at a particular time as a parent. You adapt as the child
grows. You have to be flexible based on your child’s personality. You can’t force
them into being something they aren’t. This may be hard to accept for some
parents. Ariel had to find what she loved and we as parents had to just help
nurture it. I also make sure to let her know it was okay to change her mind.
She did not have to continue to do something she did not like. Of course, this
is for activities outside of required schoolwork.
I was lucky with my daughter. She has grown into a wonderful
woman. She has an independent personality and a zest for life.
For someone who did not want to get married or have children,
I have found both to be much better for me then if I chose to do neither. I
have a much fuller life because of them.
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